The Return

It is a spiral, this experience of life that we have… we feel as though we’re circling – which can feel futile and frustrating – but in truth, we are spiraling… out of control, into control, out of ourselves, back into ourselves… and it is in each return to ourselves that we find the depth of this spiral. As we venture out, we gather information, experiences, we learn. And then, we bring it back to our center, to see how (or whether) to apply it.

I recently took a years-long trajectory out of my comfort zone, away from my center, and I learned much from the journey. This, now, is my return.

Lesson One

(Or one million, if we’re counting how many times life has put it in front of me): trust your intuition. There are these tiny moments, where you feel something rather than hearing it, or seeing it. Maybe a millisecond… and that one millisecond piques question in your mind. The question is usually vague… it can be “what was that tone I heard in their voice”, or “what was the look on their face as they spoke those words just now”, or “why did they choose those words”… you get the idea. Something in you is asking a question because some part of the whole experience isn’t fitting correctly. Some portion of the moment doesn’t align. And your body feels it before you can understand it. That is the moment. That is when the trust has to happen. Trust in that feeling, in that sensation you have. Because shortly thereafter, your brain begins to try to make sense of it… the logical brain begins connecting pieces of the information it has, and it creates a story for you. This is what it is supposed to do, it is functioning well. But you cannot fully trust the brain on its own – the brain only knows how to process information logically and reasonably. In fact, sometimes it can even turn on you and make you begin to question yourself. If your brain is anything like mine, shortly after I have the intuition about something, my brain comes in and starts questioning ME. “Why are you questioning this experience?” or “You are only feeling something off because you are not used to speaking with such an open person.” or “Everything is fine here, don’t overthink things.” That last one is the most laughable… because until the brain came into the mix, I wasn’t thinking at all – I was feeling. But now my very active brain is reasoning and adjusting and filling in the gaps by itself, creating a story based most often on what I’d like to be true. This is called a cognitive bias. And we all have it. How much we allow it to guide us is up to each of us, though. If we are aware of it, if we can recognize it in that moment, we can change how or whether we allow it to shape our next thoughts, decisions and actions. This is where I still needed the lesson. When I met Jason, I had several moments when my intuition tried to guide me. And instead of listening, trusting, I reasoned it away, and “gave the benefit of the doubt”. This became my undoing.

Tips and tricks I now practice to trust my intuition: when the questions arise in my mind about a situation, I simply ask more, outside of myself. If I am having a conversation with a person, I ask them to elaborate on what they just said. I tell them that I noticed a fleeting expression on their face, and ask them what they were feeling in that moment that they were speaking. I don’t let my own mind fill in the gaps just yet. Asking the person to “go on” allows more depth to the conversation, and leads to better understanding of the interchange. It also signals safety to the other person in sharing more about what they are talking about. I am actively listening. And this gives me the chance to process more about the situation… because there will be a time to allow this beautiful brain of mine to fill in the gaps. Their answers will give away the rest… which leads me to Lesson Two… (coming in the next post)